I had a HUGE emotionally charged day yesterday that led to crazy amounts of insight.
My boyfriend asked me the other day who taught me to be a woman.
I had never been asked that before, and while obviously my mother taught me so much, it occurred to me yesterday that I have ascribed womanhood and what it looks like to be a good woman to my older sister.
She's brilliant, driven, organized, and creative.
She's an excellent wife, mother, sister, and she loves God the most.
She's also incredibly charismatic and stunningly beautiful.
Naturally, admiring and striving toward being like someone like her is a good thing, but for me however, it became an impossible attempt to be just like her.
You could go as far as to say I was trying to be her. ('Cause she's the bomb.)
However, this set me up for heartache and strife because as much as I admire her and everything about her, I am not her.
And I never will be.
The absolute truth (acceptance and understanding) of that statement is so powerful.
Because if I am trying to be her, I leave no room to be me.
When I lived with, and even near her, I was constantly comparing myself to her. Trying to measure up to her way above-average human capacities. And of course, I always fell short.
This was not in my awareness. I had no idea.
The harder I tried to be another her, I judged myself more for falling short.
Then, once I moved away, I continued to judge myself of my shortcomings, through her eyes.
But the last 3 years have been a journey of self-discovery. I have spent time and energy and intention to discover who I truly am. What my gifts are. What I am good at. And what I have to offer.
As it turns out, I am pretty awesome myself.
So, last night my sister and I sat in the kitchen alone, having a glass of wine after the children went to bed. I received such beautiful insight and was able to release this burden that I have been carrying for so long. I put down the heaviness of all of it and became aware that I was actually attributing that heaviness, that I was creating in my mind, to our relationship.
There is only space in your body for your soul.
There is only time in this life to be the best expression of that soul.
No one else.
Why don't you be you? And I'll be me.