At some point in my life, I learned that if I express how I truly felt, the other person involved would get their feelings hurt and then turn it back on me and then I would get double hurt.
I can't recall one particular incident where that was the case, but looking at my life, I can say that as truth of my experience.
So, in my emotional immaturity, I just started accepting the fact that I was not capable of expressing myself without retribution. Which led to my belief that my feelings are bad and scary and if I share them, then something worse and scarier was going to happen.
(There are parts of your/my/our brain that still operates like a caveman/woman, I think that's important to note.)
Feelings = Confrontation = Feeling Worse = Just Don't Feel.
It's tricky because I definitely stay - what some people would call - preaching self-love. Like banging my drum and telling everyone to love themselves, all the while, there were still parts of me that I hated.
(And if I hate them, no one else can possibly love them, so I better not express them.)
So, this being out of alignment was causing chaos and sort of came to a head this week.
I mentioned yesterday that my lesson of the day was: whatever you feel, it's ok. You just have to feel it.
It's a foreign and strange land to live in a home where that is absolute truth and the foundation of every conversation/interaction/experience.
It's terrifying. And beautiful. And overwhelming.
And I am so grateful.
Over here loving the messy parts.
Cheering for you,
What I am learning is that when things don't feel *amazing*, I tend to run away or stuff them or ignore it or change my mind or stop doing whatever it is.
Right now, these emails feel like that. I don't feel amazing, I don't feel inspired and I definitely don't feel like I have much authority or ground to stand on at the moment. But by giving up now, I will just reenforce that behavior, that mindset, that pattern of thinking, and that is the opposite of growth.
So, even though this actually feels yucky and unpleasant, I feel vulnerable, shaky, raw, exposed... we carry on. See ya tomorrow.