omggggg I am feelin' like myself again and it feels AMAZEBALLS.
So, according to my mother, multiple doctors and numerous tests on the internet, I have "depression".
According to me, I don't know what that means anymore. I am constantly challenging my "depression".
(Depression is subjective. It changes. And it's different for everyone. So, basically the concept of depression just describes normal human fluctuations of mood and energy states, exacberated by an excessive thinking mind.*)
*I'm not a doctor. Just a human.
Is it a chemical imbalance?
Is there something physiologically happening in the tissue of my brain that does the depression thing??
Have I believed that I have something called "depression" since I was a child and everything that happens in my brain is a result of that belief??
Or is it both? Or a fluctuating blend of the two?
Or am I a freaking chosen spirit in human form that is here to transcend the spiritual understanding of the modern world?! (As many tribes in Africa believe, of those gifted with what we refer to as, mental illness.)
I don't know. But what I do know is that whenever my particular flavor of "depression" shows up, I feel it.
And I can't ignore it or behave out of alignment with it.
I have had these episodes for as long as I can remember.
They usually go a bit like this:
Days, weeks, months on end of ridiculous positive, bubbly, joyful energy. Motivated, inspired, brilliant, excited. All the good things, yeah?
Then, days, or weeks sometimes (Thankfully, no longer months.) of heavy, lazy, resentful, annoyed, unmotivated, dark, gloominess.
And just as life goes, one day, I wake up and the clouds have cleared and I feel like myself again.
And it feels so damn good, man.
Carry on for an unpredictable amount of time and then do it all again.
It can be quite exhausting. For myself and anyone around me.
But this is the part of me that I have been condemning. This is the part I decided wasn't lovable.
And I am still working through dismantling that belief.
I am starting this intense endeavor of changing a deep-seated conditioned belief by recruiting the body to help me.
I have only really started paying close attention in the past few months of what it feels like to be me. (Like physical sensation, inside the body.)
And then, what it feels like when that feeling fluctuates.
It's a skill and it takes practice.
But I think it's changing my life. And I think it helps my argument against the depression diagnosis.
I think involving the body is brilliant. Because the body can't think it's way out of anything.
And apparently, my brain is well experienced in thinking it's way into or out of things.
Sometimes, I actually think myself into and out of the same thing.
Anyway, I feel so much better. Thank you for all the love.
Just a few days left! :)
Love you, mean it!
Cheering for you,
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I'll be sharing way more personal stuff, way more cool spiritual stuff, way more depression/anxiety stuff and who freaking knows what else.