Steady Feeling Feels.

Its hard for me to write emails when I am lacking confidence. Or when my world seems shaky. Or when I feel confused, overwhelmed or unsure. 

And if I am being honest, the past 6 months have been defined by moments, and sometimes days of confusion, lack of confidence and overwhelm. 

I miss writing these emails. More so, I miss connecting to those of you that resonate with my writing. Those of you that can feel me through my words and connect with the deeper meaning of what I am saying. 

There is a big part of me that is so rooted in the truth of who I am. A confidence and love for myself that I have never known before; there is also a noticeable hesitation, shakiness and timidity in expressing some aspects of my soul. 

Sometimes, I feel so damn sensitive that I don't know how I can exist in the world with the normal people. (I don't see many other folks crying over a passive aggressive email.)

And between tears, I do remind myself that my sensitivity is my super power. It's how I connect deeply and authentically with other people... but sometimes, it's wildly inconvenient. 

I've been doing a thing lately where I intentionally allow someone to witness my intense emotions. To allow someone to observe and be with you while you cry is incredibly powerful. And healing. And uncomfortable.

Definitely uncomfortable. 

Did I mention it's uncomfortable?

But if that person knows how to hold space for you to process through whatever is on your heart - even and especially when your logical mind knows how ridiculous your emotional reactivity is - something transforms. 

It alchemizes your experience. It turns down the intensity. It creates space. And in that space, comes growth. 

I am really frustrated with the trending spiritual culture that preaches #goodvibesonly. 

Fuck that. I want all of your vibes. Especially the ones you're embarrassed to show. 

I pray you have a person in your life that you can be completely vulnerable in front of. I pray that in the midst of your emotional storm, you can identify your incredible beauty, resilience and strength. 

I pray that you will come to know that in your weakness there is power. 

I told a friend today that I was trying to toughen up a bit. And he said, "Tenderness and care is needed for love to grow, so don't toughen up too much." That made me feel feelings. (Yes, more feelings than I was alreadyfeeling.)

Learning to love the messy parts of myself is hard. 

My childlike joy, wonder and love for life sometimes comes with childlike tenderness, emotional intensity and confusion. 

If I only celebrate the parts of me that are easy to love, then others will do the same. And that's not enough for me anymore. 

This was uncomfortable to write. But I am constantly reminded of the abundance that comes on the other side of uncomfortability. 

Cheering for you. 

C