A pattern I have noticed in my life is that people fall in the love with best parts of me. And they do it quickly.
I can literally watch it happen.
And as long as I maintain the energy of the best parts of me then they maintain their love.
But the trouble with that is, I am not paper doll. I am not one-sided. There is a lot of depth and dimension to who I am.
But when I show the other sides of myself to people - the not so poised, pretty, excited sides, they fucking reject it.
And I find myself not wanting to post or write emails that reflect how I truly feel sometimes because of that pattern of my past.
Well, the only way to break a pattern is to act in the opposite way you have always acted in the events of your pattern, whatever that may be.
So, the truth is, for a while there, I felt like I was losing my damn mind.
I still feel very disoriented, and confused. I have no fucking idea what I am doing with myself, my life, or my future.
I feel very disconnected from my message and my purpose and why I am here.
Some days, I laugh a lot. And some days, I cry for no reason or for a thousand reasons.
I am not a jester here to entertain. I am sharing the depths of my heart so that hopefully other people won't feel alone in their suffering.
I just want to remind you that inside of the same day, it is absolutely possible for there to be deep sadness, belly laughs, breathtaking beauty, and snot bubbles.
New Year, New You is bullshit.
"New You" implies there is something wrong with you that needs fixing.
You are magically perfect. Exactly as you are.
You are so overwhelmingly loved on the days that you feel like the worst version of yourself and on the days that you are everyone's sunshine.
The only thing that has remained relentless in my life is the incredible intimacy I have with God.
And I know for damn sure if that is there, then I am good.
All these emotional weather patterns will come and go. All my questions will be answered in time.
Everything will make sense. I just have to seek the lessons with a humble heart. Hear the way He calls my name when I feel invisible. And never ever forget,
That I am perfect, even though I'm fucked up.
(Borrowed that line from a Kesha song, the woman is brilliant.)
And as long as I act from a place of love, I am never wrong.
I highly recommend getting your entire life turned upside down (for a second time.)
It helps you learn who you truly are.
And who I am is: LOVED, & strong AF.
Cheering for you,