Job hunting is a lot like dating.
Which probably explains why I am not very good at it.
I've never been a date-more-than-one-person-at-a-time type of gal.
I definitely don't judge, nor do I actually care, about anyone else's dating methods, but for me, I have only ever been emotionally available to one person at a time. And the same goes for jobs.
For me, I have to really imagine and feel what it would be like to be a part of a company or a brand, so applying and interviewing at multiple jobs at the same time feels inauthentic to me. I guess the same explanation applies to dating as well.
I didn't get the awesome job I had been interviewing for. They went with someone with experience in the industry over me, but I got great feedback. So, I suppose that's a good thing, but it's funny how similar professional rejection feels to personal rejection.
"You are really great, and it was a really tough decision, but you just weren't _______ enough."
I intuitively knew on Tuesday that I didn't get it, but I didn't officially find out until Friday. So needless to say, last week was a rough week.
I am in this strange position where my authenticity has become a cornerstone to my entire existence. And what I mean by that is, that I am finding myself actually incapable of being, feeling and expressing myself that is out of alignment to my absolute truth.
There are even times when I think to myself, "This situation does not necessarily call for such honest vulnerability, so feel free to fluff it up a bit, homie."
But I literally can't do it.
A lot of people love that about me. I think it's one of the things that draws people to me and makes people very curious about me.
It's also the thing that tends to push some people away.
I am a feeler. I am sensitive and I am expressive. I navigate my world and my relationships based on how I feel and although it is not always the most sensical and socially appropriate thing to do, I can't - or won't - apologize for it.
People who are uncomfortable feeling strong feelings, will feel uncomfortable around me.
And for the very first time in my entire life, I have learned that it's not me, it's them.
People don't reject me because of my intense feelings, but they reject the feelings within themselves that they don't like, that for whatever reason, come up around me.
I used to do everything I could to prevent people from rejecting me or from changing their minds about me.
I used to do a lot of things that declared everyone else'e emotional state was more important than mine. "I am not ok unless you are ok", and that kind of bullshit.
But the truth is, I am OK even when I am not OK. I love the shit out of my broken heart and my sad mind. I am OK sitting and facing my fear. I am OK looking into my childhood and identifying situations that created false beliefs that are manifesting in my adult life. I don't run away from myself when shit gets hard.
(How does that translate onto a resume? I'll keep ya posted. )
It's easier for other people to say that I am not _______ enough, than it is for them to say, "I have grief in my heart that I can't muster the courage to face. Therefore, it's not me, it's you."
I just want you to know that there is something about you that is magical and healing and wonderful. Something designed and created by God for you specifically. The easiest way to identify what that is is to find the thing about you that some people absolutely love and some people absolutely don't.
You are medicine for the people that need you. You are your own medicine. Don't shy away from or apologize for the one thing about you that has the potential to heal souls - yours included - just because some people can't see your goodness.
I posted something on my story today that says, "If you aren't going to swim deep with me, then get out of my waters."
Either love it or leave it. I am OK either way.
Cheering for you,