I Don't Like Yoga

I think there is this false belief that all yogis are in love with their practice. Well, maybe it's not a false belief actually, because most of the yogis I know, (the real yogis, that is... not just the posture people) they really are in love with their practice.
To them, the day can not begin without their practice. It is the medicine to every ailment and the solution to every problem. They can forward fold and Om their way into perfect humanness. From the outside, it doesn't seem to require any discipline or effort on their part to get on the mat. It's amazing to witness. 

But also a little disheartening because I like to consider myself a yogi, but my practice doesn't feel even close to that for me. Most days, just getting on the mat is a chore. It's a project. Some days, it literally feels impossible. And -gasp!- somedays I don't practice at all. 

Today, I forced myself to get on my mat. Even though I was mentally feeling good, the body was a little stiff so I thought a little yoga might serve me well. So, after about 40 minutes of movement and then 25 minutes of breath and meditation, I felt amazing! 

Fast forward 2 hours and I'm crying in my room. wtf. I thought yoga was medicine? I thought I was doing something good for myself. Why am I crying?!

So, I laid there and felt whatever was happening in the body. I observed movement and pressure in the belly, I witnessed a sensation that I can only describe as a puncture or a needle in the side abdomen, and tension and twitching down the outside of one leg. 
I let the body speak to me. I felt emotions of fear, vulnerability, weakness. The mind told me that I am unloveable in this condition. The mind said, "no one wants to see this side of you."
But that side of me is valid. The side of me that fights to get on the mat is valid. The side of me that loves the yoga one day and despises it the next - is valid. The side of me that tells people that meditation would help them so much while I struggle with my own consistent meditation practice - also valid. 
So what's the point? 
I really don't know. I just want to encourage you. Don't believe the myth that yoga feels amazing all the time. MOST times, doing yoga stirs up whatever is lying just under your surface, so sometimes, doing yoga can even make you feel "worse". But thats why we practice. I'd rather stir up my own shit on my terms, than wait until a conversation or interaction stirs up my shit and then it comes boiling over unexpectedly.  

 If you do yoga and somedays you hate it, I want to encourage you. If you've considered trying yoga but you keep talking yourself out of it, I want to encourage you. If you're one of these amazing superhuman yogi's that are in love with your practice, I want to encourage you, as well. ​

Yoga is a journey. Life is a journey. Stir up your own shit. Keep doing the very best you can and goodness will always be abounding in your life. Even on your bad days.