I've shared a lot in the past few months of doing these emails.
I am really open about shit that I have been through and the lessons I have learned.
I wrote a complete email already today. And as I was about to click send, I hesitated.
Because I am in the thick of it right now. I am learning my lessons in this exact moment.
It's not something I can look back on and say, "Oh, I remember when such-and-such happened and this is how I dealt with it."
(Haha - even writing such-and-such there was an avoidance tactic. lol so tricky)
No, I am literally in the midst of learning and growing and I am handling some of it really, really well.
And I am handling some of it not at all well.
And it is intense to share it while I am in the middle of it. I can't distance myself emotionally from it because it is my emotional reality right now.
I shared with Reece that I don't understand why it is so hard for me to express myself sometimes, especially when I am hurting or in fear.
And he just lovingly said, "Maybe it's because it doesn't match up with your self-image."
And that is so freaking true it's ridiculous.
And I haven't posted on instagram since I have been here because I don't know how to be in alignment to my truth - when my truth is messy and emotional and terrified- and to the public image I have created for myself online.
I don't know how to encourage other people or give tips and tricks when I have been massively humbled into realizing I have no freaking idea what I am doing.
And this growing season is bringing these two distinct parts of myself into alignment. And doing that comes with intense feelings. Intense self-awareness. Intense humility. Just overall intensity.
I imagine it sort of like increasing the wattage capacity on a light bulb. You gotta know what you're capable of before you can even consider going beyond it.
I don't need to change anything about myself, I need to accept - and welcome and love - the parts of myself that I have pushed away for so long. The parts I didn't even know I was condemning.
Only in that acceptance and in that unity of all aspects of who I am, will I become aligned with my true self.
I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. BUT, I am also not one to reject ANY aspect of myself, either.
All are welcome here in my space, in my experience and as a part of my truth.
Cheering for you!
I am reading Emotional Wellness by OSHO right now and it is ROCK.ING.MY.WORLD. If any of this feelings stuff is resonating with you, I can not recommend it more.
Also, if you want to read the email I wrote that felt too much, I put it on my blog, that way only the serious ones will take the effort to read it. haha but it's here.
Also - In case you're wondering, the title of my book is:
"I Don't Know What I Am Doing."
A book about how to stuff your feelings, avoid doing anything productive, stay emotionally immature, and resist any and all opportunities for growth.
HA! Should be a doozy.