I Don't Know What I Am Doing. Seriously.

I've shared a lot in the past few months of doing these emails. 

I am really open about shit that I have been through and the lessons I have learned. 

I wrote a complete email already today. And as I was about to click send, I hesitated. 

Because I am in the thick of it right now. I am learning my lessons in this exact moment. 

It's not something I can look back on and say, "Oh, I remember when such-and-such happened and this is how I dealt with it."

(Haha - even writing such-and-such there was an avoidance tactic. lol so tricky)

No, I am literally in the midst of learning and growing and I am handling some of it really, really well.

And I am handling some of it not at all well. 

And it is intense to share it while I am in the middle of it. I can't distance myself emotionally from it because it is my emotional reality right now. 

I shared with Reece that I don't understand why it is so hard for me to express myself sometimes, especially when I am hurting or in fear. 

And he just lovingly said, "Maybe it's because it doesn't match up with your self-image."

And that is so freaking true it's ridiculous. 

And I haven't posted on instagram since I have been here because I don't know how to be in alignment to my truth - when my truth is messy and emotional and terrified- and to the public image I have created for myself online. 

I don't know how to encourage other people or give tips and tricks when I have been massively humbled into realizing I have no freaking idea what I am doing. 

And this growing season is bringing these two distinct parts of myself into alignment. And doing that comes with intense feelings. Intense self-awareness. Intense humility. Just overall intensity. 

I imagine it sort of like increasing the wattage capacity on a light bulb. You gotta know what you're capable of before you can even consider going beyond it. 

I don't need to change anything about myself, I need to accept - and welcome and love - the parts of myself that I have pushed away for so long. The parts I didn't even know I was condemning. 

Only in that acceptance and in that unity of all aspects of who I am, will I become aligned with my true self. 

I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. BUT, I am also not one to reject ANY aspect of myself, either. 

All are welcome here in my space, in my experience and as a part of my truth. 

Cheering for you!
C

I am reading Emotional Wellness by OSHO right now and it is ROCK.ING.MY.WORLD. If any of this feelings stuff is resonating with you, I can not recommend it more. 

Also, if you want to read the email I wrote that felt too much, I put it on my blog, that way only the serious ones will take the effort to read it. haha but it's here. 


Also - In case you're wondering, the title of my book is:

"I Don't Know What I Am Doing."
A book about how to stuff your feelings, avoid doing anything productive, stay emotionally immature, and resist any and all opportunities for growth.
A memoir.

HA! Should be a doozy.