But really, just hungry.
The last 10 days have been a roller coaster. I came face to face with the fact that even though I live a "healthy" lifestyle, many of my choices were destructive, harmful and making me sick. Like really sick.
But it's the kind of sick that you can ignore, or hide from or blame on something else. Until you can't anymore.
I've had digestive issues for years and years. I've known I've had a gluten-intolerance since 2011. I've known that I am addicted to coffee and to sugar (and foods that break down into sugar). I never turn down a second (or third) glass of wine, and as my momma says, "I've never met a potato I didn't like."
But I am "healthier" than most people. (As I told myself, a little self-righteously, if I am being totally honest.)
I eat the veggies and do the yogas.
My body looks healthy in the mirror. So, we cool, right?
Never-mind the body fluctuations in the form of a bloated belly that looks like I'm growing a tiny human. Don't even ask how much water I had today. Just ignore those digestive issues and crippling tummy aches. Oh, the lethargy and mood swings? I am just not having a good day today.... (The excuses and avoidance went on and on.)
Self-love is not (only) about pedicures and bubble baths. It's not about Chick-fil-a french fries or another glass of wine.
It's about being in harmony with every aspect of your being. It's about not just loving your reflection, but being on-guard against anything (including yourself!) that is causing harm, disruption or dis-ease.
Self-love is looking at yourself, your habits and your patterns and calling out your own bullshit. And then lovingly and gracefully begin making changes.
However, looking nakedly and courageously at some aspects of who you are can really hurt your heart. And that was (part of) my emotional journey I have been on over the past week and a half. (I'll share the other part in another post.)
I did three separate fasts over the last 8 days.
One for 36 hours. One for 24 hours and then another one for 44 hours. Here's what I learned:
If you have the capacity to observe your mind, mood, thoughts and emotions while you are on a fast, you will gain abundant insight about yourself. Listening to the soundtrack in your mind when you are hungry and less than half way through a 36-hour fast, will show you a lot about your subconscious false beliefs.
Not only that, in our modern culture, we are killing ourselves with food. We eat, not because we are hungry, but because we are mentally and culturally conditioned to eat. As in, we blindly eat for no reason, like some zombie soldiers or something. And that makes me think of some Hunger Games-type bullshit right there. (No pun intended, but it fits like a glove.)
So, giving my body a break from digesting food gave me so much more energy to digest life. And in that process I have cultivated more wisdom than I ever thought possible on that first day of fasting, when I was feeling sorry for myself for being so deprived.
This is the beginning of a journey. I am meeting sides of myself I have never met before. I feel better than I have in a really, really long time. No one has asked me if I am pregnant. I feel myself reestablishing balance. I am witnessing myself gaining willpower over food, booze and sugar. (Coffee is next, but one mountain at a time, ok?!)
It's a beautiful, amazing, eye-opening, gut-wrenching, heart-opening thing.
But who said healing feels good?? Who said change was easy?
Definitely not me.
Whats your relationship to food?
What does the word fasting stir up inside you?
How healthy is your body? Like foreal?
What is your relationship to your body?
Leave me a comment. Let's chat.