What would her name be if Goldilocks had blue hair??
I have recently had an abundance of insight into my psyche and my experience thus far in my world.
It started with the word of an underlying false belief that has been coloring my perception for a very long time: "I am not safe unless everything is perfect."
It's a risky move to put your safety and stability into the external circumstances you find yourself in. It's even riskier to do it all day, every day and without even being aware you are doing it.
I'm calling this Goldilocks Syndrome because I received this awareness specifically around sensation in the body. (Think: "Oh that's too hot, thats too cold." "Thats too hard, thats too soft.".... If things aren't perfect, I am unhappy.)
As someone who struggled (sometimes still struggles) with anxiety and depression, I have always felt things very deeply in my body. So much so, that it would be overwhelming at times to just feel whatever was happening inside me.
If I knew a challenging conversation was coming in the future, I would have crippling anxiety that came in the form of intense bubbling and pressure in the chest. Rapid heart rate, and feeling like I can't catch my breath.
It was physically uncomfortable in the body.
Years and years of this has led to a chronic fear of intense sensation. Good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, I operate within a "safe zone" of sensation and if something pulls me out of that safe zone, I am unhappy. (Or read: insecure, unstable, and any of the wide eyed emojis.)
Like putting my feet in cool water. (I won't even say cold because my safe zone is so narrow, I don't even go near cold water)
Or holding a hard yoga pose for any length of time.
Or speaking up for myself when someone hurt my feelings.
Or being late, making a mistake at work, letting someone down, or literally any other thing on earth that can create intense emotional or physical responses in the body.
Which, if you're alive and paying attention, there are bazillions of triggers in our world and day-to-day experience which do that to us constantly.
Needless to say, I have been in a canoe on the ocean of life. Just being tossed and flung about like a delicate little flower.
I am kind of a prissy pants.
And I used to think it served me. It was a way of protecting myself.
Now I see it as a humungous hinderance. Not only that, its detrimental to my long term joyfulness and my capacity to enjoy life.
Because if my contentment, happiness and peacefulness is resting on the things outside of my control, then that is basically a guaranteed way to lack contentment, to being unhappy and without peace.
Human experience is a constant, evolving maze of challenges sent our way to grow our soul.
The challenges we face are nonnegotiable and we can not escape them.
I want the deep-rooted happiness that is dependent only upon my capacity to show love to myself.
The kind of happiness where whatever life throws my way, I am centered in who I am, and who God created me to be.
I'm learning that the best way to widen my "safety zone", or to increase my capacity to hold uncomfortable circumstances is to just get in the damn water. (I am kinda weird about water sometimes. Especially if it's cold. And if it has creatures in it.)
It's to push my little prissy pants out of the canoe and experience some uncomfortable shit and not have a complete melt down like little Goldilocks did when she jumped out of the window.
So bring on the rain with no umbrella.
Oh, hello surprise menstrual cycle on a train.
36-hour fast? No problem.
Climb that sketchy-looking rock wall? Let's do it.
Pry my terrified heart open and show it to another human? Sure.
I have executive control over absolutely nothing except my internal self.
So long, Goldilocks.
Shit's about to get uncomfortable.