I half-jokingly announced that I was writing a book called "I Don't Know What I Am Doing."
And I was so gratefully humbled and tickled by people's response to that.
Why would someone pick up such a weird book?
But it is the truth. I don't know what I am doing. (Do any of us?!)
But I think the point of all this human stuff is to become very comfortable with what you don't know.
There is a direct correlation between one's ability to be comfortable in the unknown and one's measurable contentment, joy, and peace in life.
And Peace is the name of the game.
And peace in the face of uncertainty, trauma, loss, stress, fear, etc is just one of the zillions of benefits of the experience of peace.
I am finding, the best way I can cultivate more peace - and I mean like true, deep to your core peace - is to eliminate it's opposite.
I don't know what I am doing, but I DO know that as I intentionally attempt to reduce the chaos, in my external and internal experience, the peace grows. (...or fluctuates, or appears, or pops in, or runs up your spine, or glows, or bubbles, or waves, or whatever peace feels like to you.)
In my experience, the only way I have even flirted with the idea of reducing chaos, especially in the mind, has been to go into the depths of my heart and my subconscious and intentionally be with everything/anything that still needs healing.
I continue to be blessed with opportunities to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, whatever; At the expense of, a willingness to look deeper and more honestly at myself.
The willingness is the key part here.
This is happening by looking at the way these things show up in how I express myself (or don't) in day-to-day life.
A more aware witness to my ego, my habits, my patterns, the awesome stuff about me and the less than awesome stuff about me. My past, my pain, my traumas and the way I identify with them, the things outside of me that I use to determine who I am, my accountability or lack thereof, in the significant circumstances in my life, my worth and how I establish(ed) that, my relationship to others, to myself, and my place in the world, and the list goes on.
It's intense, man.
But I have met the Light that animates my existence. I am gifted with amazing miracles so incredibly often, I see tremendous beauty everywhere I go, I have seen, felt, touched something that goes completely beyond words...
I have to keep going on this journey. I can't turn around now.
The Peace that I hunger for can only be found from that which I came.
Crazy, amazing, beautiful, TERRIFYING, wonderful, intense, magical, and UNCOMFORTABLE things are happening.
But I am getting better at being uncomfortable.
The only route to peace is paved directly through discomfort. It's up to me to make the journey.
So, for Thanksgiving this year, I am having a double helping of humble pie.
Because I know what is supplying the energy behind this work, and I trust it with every fiber of my being.
So, if this is the trade off, I should probably just go ahead and put all my chips on the table.
Maybe this is the introduction to the book. ;)
Anyways, that's what I'm doing.
Cheering for you all the while!
All the love!
Would love to chat or answer any questions you have! I have tons of books/resources I would recommend if any of this stuff is pushing your buttons, or flipping your switch, or ringing your bell, or landing, or absorbing, or sinking in, or whatever that feels like to you.
I've shared a lot in the past few months of doing these emails.
I am really open about shit that I have been through and the lessons I have learned.
I wrote a complete email already today. And as I was about to click send, I hesitated.
Because I am in the thick of it right now. I am learning my lessons in this exact moment.
It's not something I can look back on and say, "Oh, I remember when such-and-such happened and this is how I dealt with it."
(Haha - even writing such-and-such there was an avoidance tactic. lol so tricky)
No, I am literally in the midst of learning and growing and I am handling some of it really, really well.
And I am handling some of it not at all well.
And it is intense to share it while I am in the middle of it. I can't distance myself emotionally from it because it is my emotional reality right now.
I shared with Reece that I don't understand why it is so hard for me to express myself sometimes, especially when I am hurting or in fear.
And he just lovingly said, "Maybe it's because it doesn't match up with your self-image."
And that is so freaking true it's ridiculous.
And I haven't posted on instagram since I have been here because I don't know how to be in alignment to my truth - when my truth is messy and emotional and terrified- and to the public image I have created for myself online.
I don't know how to encourage other people or give tips and tricks when I have been massively humbled into realizing I have no freaking idea what I am doing.
And this growing season is bringing these two distinct parts of myself into alignment. And doing that comes with intense feelings. Intense self-awareness. Intense humility. Just overall intensity.
I imagine it sort of like increasing the wattage capacity on a light bulb. You gotta know what you're capable of before you can even consider going beyond it.
I don't need to change anything about myself, I need to accept - and welcome and love - the parts of myself that I have pushed away for so long. The parts I didn't even know I was condemning.
Only in that acceptance and in that unity of all aspects of who I am, will I become aligned with my true self.
I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. BUT, I am also not one to reject ANY aspect of myself, either.
All are welcome here in my space, in my experience and as a part of my truth.
Cheering for you!
I am reading Emotional Wellness by OSHO right now and it is ROCK.ING.MY.WORLD. If any of this feelings stuff is resonating with you, I can not recommend it more.
Also, if you want to read the email I wrote that felt too much, I put it on my blog, that way only the serious ones will take the effort to read it. haha but it's here.
Also - In case you're wondering, the title of my book is:
"I Don't Know What I Am Doing."
A book about how to stuff your feelings, avoid doing anything productive, stay emotionally immature, and resist any and all opportunities for growth.
HA! Should be a doozy.
When was the last time you wrote something down with your hand?
No texting or typing or speaking into a camera but actually picking up a writing utensil and writing words on paper..
What do you think about your handwriting? What is your favorite thing to write with?
There are so many subtitles in writing by hand. Writing your thoughts, your feelings, whatever pops into your mind. Write 4 pages or 2 short hand statements. There is so much depth there.
I also like writing because it forces the brain to slow down a bit. I have to articulate and choose words wisely, so the brain becomes intentional. Its not just screaming random things at me constantly when I write. Its my reprieve.
My mind is incredibly active. I think a lot. Like a lot. I don’t know what the inside of other people’s brain sounds like, but mine is constantly on the move.
Thinking. Planning. Preparing. Freaking out about something that may or may not happen. Overanalyzing conversations. Singing Moana songs on repeat. Praying. Observing my surroundings. Deciding what I like and don’t like. Distract yo' self. Justification of any and all distractions. Explanation. Ugh I don’t feel like it. I think I’m hungry. Creating complete and incredibly detailed random scenarios, that are based in absolutely zero fact. I am starvinngnggg. What is that person thinking? Ooh, I lover her dress. OMG A DOGGG!!!!!
Obviously, meditation is not easy for me. (Insert wide eyed emoji here.) Stillness practice, I am getting better at, but meditation is way hard.
It's a curious juxtaposition because I create with my mind. It is one of my greatest assets.
The writing, the expression, the poetry, it’s all language, it comes from the mind.
And at the exact same time it is my biggest obstacle. It’s so convincing. It’s quick and clever. But it's definitely a scaredy-pants.
I also receive intuitive wisdom and understanding in words, in language, in the mind.
So, which part of it is me and which part of it is not at all me?
(I’m not setting you up to then give you the answer.)
I don’t know the answer. I am still trying to figure it out.
But I have a pretty big hunch that the answer is in the body.
Cheering for us!
What was the last thing you wrote on paper? What is your favorite writing utensil? Seriously. I want to know. Mine is a side click, .7mm mechanical pencil. Currently, its green and gorgeous.
At some point in my life, I learned that if I express how I truly felt, the other person involved would get their feelings hurt and then turn it back on me and then I would get double hurt.
I can't recall one particular incident where that was the case, but looking at my life, I can say that as truth of my experience.
So, in my emotional immaturity, I just started accepting the fact that I was not capable of expressing myself without retribution. Which led to my belief that my feelings are bad and scary and if I share them, then something worse and scarier was going to happen.
(There are parts of your/my/our brain that still operates like a caveman/woman, I think that's important to note.)
Feelings = Confrontation = Feeling Worse = Just Don't Feel.
It's tricky because I definitely stay - what some people would call - preaching self-love. Like banging my drum and telling everyone to love themselves, all the while, there were still parts of me that I hated.
(And if I hate them, no one else can possibly love them, so I better not express them.)
So, this being out of alignment was causing chaos and sort of came to a head this week.
I mentioned yesterday that my lesson of the day was: whatever you feel, it's ok. You just have to feel it.
It's a foreign and strange land to live in a home where that is absolute truth and the foundation of every conversation/interaction/experience.
It's terrifying. And beautiful. And overwhelming.
And I am so grateful.
Over here loving the messy parts.
Cheering for you,
What I am learning is that when things don't feel *amazing*, I tend to run away or stuff them or ignore it or change my mind or stop doing whatever it is.
Right now, these emails feel like that. I don't feel amazing, I don't feel inspired and I definitely don't feel like I have much authority or ground to stand on at the moment. But by giving up now, I will just reenforce that behavior, that mindset, that pattern of thinking, and that is the opposite of growth.
So, even though this actually feels yucky and unpleasant, I feel vulnerable, shaky, raw, exposed... we carry on. See ya tomorrow.
The magnitude of my whole situation came over me like a wave at the grocery store today.
In the sauces aisle, I was just accosted with intense feelings of overwhelm and intensity.
It's all brilliant and beautiful.
And hard as shit.
Writing feels a bit challenging, so I am just going to give you the summary of what I learned today.
Whatever you feel, it's ok.
I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it to my fridge.
The best part of the feelings game is you're never wrong.
Life is crazy, man.
Moving to another country is challenging for many reasons.
Most of which I anticipated.
Establishing a new life in any new place is hard but I’ve done it so may times now, I considered myself a pro.
What I did not anticipate however, is this strange sensation of who am I if I am not who everyone tells me to be?
Who am I when there is no feedback about my
contributions, my skills, or how I affect other people?
Who am I when I can’t outwardly hear the chatter of other people’s beliefs, ideals, politics, opinions.
Who am I when I am just me?
That’s a question I’ve never really asked myself before.
I dont have the answer. (Obviously.)
I’m sort of still in shock that it never occurred to me to ask.
(I’ve also learned that, apparently, my brain is really good at tricking my damn self into feeling nothing, so I don’t think there is anything there to feel.)
Haha. Bodies are weird.
I think I remember saying something along the lines of
You can’t heal your heals if you don’t feel your feels.
That leaves only one option, then.
Cheering for you and for me ‘cuz, woah.
Sending you all the love in the world.
Have you ever been in the company of another person, especially a close friend, a sibling, or romantic partner- and stuff inside you gets all stirred up and triggered?
Like all of a sudden, all your buttons are being pushed at once. Everything seems heightened, intense and overwhelming...
and the drammaaaa. ugh.
Know the feeling??
The easy and natural way to respond is by accusing the other person of doing something, feeling something, being something that you don't like or that doesn't resonate with your vibe.
(My vibe attracts my tribe, so what are you even doing here?)
It's the other person's fault. That makes the most sense, right? The feelings weren't there before they got there, now you have the feelings, its #obvi them.
My sister has this mirror in her house that makes you look about 15 pounds lighter and 5 inches taller. It's a brilliant mirror. I tend to check myself out a bit more, do a twirl or two as I walk by, take a few (million) selfies in it.
But deep down, I know that my legs are not really that long. I know that I am not that tall, and I know the mirror is faulty. (Gorgeous, brilliant, magical - yes. But faulty.)
Well, that's what we do when someone else pushes our buttons. They must be faulty. It's easier to reject a faulty mirror.
But when dealing with humans, the mirror is not faulty. Whatever that person is stirring inside you, is stuff that you have not yet processed fully within yourself. Stuff that still needs some attention, some healing, some acknowledgment.
So now, when someone rings my bell or pushes my button or flips my switch or pokes my trigger or whatever else you wanna say, I am in choice in how I respond.
Do I just blame the mirror for being faulty, or do I look into that part of my being and acknowledge whatever is being stirred up? Embody whatever it is. Give it a home, give it space to feel welcome so it can give you it's wisdom.
Exist as it. Look lovingly at the mirror in front of you and allow everything that is coming back to you to be there.
"Whatever you see in me is what you see in yourself."
Exist as if my legs were that of a super model's. (Hey girl, hey.)
Exist with the feelings of fear that being vulnerable bring up.
Exist with whatever is there.
Allow, breathe, receive.
And then honor the mirror that is before you. Thank that person for the growth they have offered.
Honor them for the experience they must be having as well, because we are all connected.
And if you're going through some shit, you can be certain that the people you love, and that love you, can feel it just as deeply.
Life is a beautiful dance.
Some people fear failure and others fear success.
I think my biggest fear is that I have no idea what the actual EF I am doing.
I know that I have so much goodness in me and I know I am called to share it but I seriously have no clue how to get it out there.
This email list is my start. And I do trust completely that everything and everyone that is designed to help me along on my journey will come to me in the right moment.
But from where I sit right now, I am still well in my discipline practice. (Meaning - yikes homegirl, stop distracting yourself from your actually work.) I still have to fight through clouds of doubt and rereading every word I write with an intense filter of "Does anyone actually give a shit about this?"
I can't even imagine doing book tours, selling out retreats and conferences, sitting across from one or thousands of women and reminding them "YOU'RE OVERWHELMINGLY, RIDICULOUSLY LOVED! RECLAIM YOUR POWER! YOUR TIME IS NOW! HEAL YOUR HEART! BE A LIGHT! LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF AND WATCH YOUR WHOLE LIFE CHANGE!"
I am still mustering the courage to walk up to that group of cool Aussie surfer chicks I saw in the coffee shop the other day. (Ya know, just in case I run into them again.)
Anyway y'all. I just want you to know that no matter what you're facing, we are all in this together. We all struggle with the same things, they are just decorated a little differently.
I am you and you are me.
I am counting on the hundred or so of you that read these emails to pre-order the book. ;) Whenever it gets written. Whenever I get out of my own way.
Whenever I stabilize my alignment to my Divine Self and gain the clarity and execution plan for my soul's mission here on earth. (nbd, right?)
Even and especially in the face of fear, we must act anyway. That is where our rewards are found.
In my first Insta Live, I talked briefly about getting sick of your own bullshit and taking accountability for your depression.
I am sure that rubbed some people the wrong way, but whatever. That was my experience. I had to get to the point that I was just over it. And I truly believe that changed my life.
Because if you are comfortable where you are, why would you change?
If you're comfortable in your depression, in the moodiness, the tears, the intense mind states, the destructive behavior, the binge watching/eating/drinking/whatever, the victim mindset, the nothing-ever-works-out-for-me way of thinking, then you're not going to change.
And I say this with authority because that was my reality. If someone would have told me that I was making it worse, I wouldn't have been able to hear them at the time because I was just in the depression. It consumed me. It wasn't until after I started taking care of myself that I started to see how I was making it worse.
So, after my Insta live, I got a few emails and questions about people feeling like they are sick of their own bullshit and want to start making some changes in their life but don't really know how or where to start.
So, my next Insta Live we will talk about this in more detail. It's Sunday, November 18 @ 9pm EST. (It will be Monday for me in Sydney but that makes it cooler. I'll tell you what the future is like.)
Just so you have something to chew on between now and then, here are some simple questions to start looking at about yourself in complete honesty.
No judgement. No condemnation. Just full encompassing, unconditional love.
How much time a day do I spend scrolling on social media or watching TV/YouTube/etc?
What does my regular diet consist of?
How much water do I drink consistently?
How much booze/drugs/medicinal plants do I put in my system?
What do I do when I feel overwhelmed or when I have strong emotions?
What are a few ways I show myself self-care?
How often do I move my body?
How do I speak of myself to others or to myself?
If you still with these questions long enough, I believe you will start to identify areas in your life that need your attention.
The answers to everything you seek are inside you.
Even if you don't have depression, these are good indicators of overall health. They are a good way to just gauge your well-being and identify anything that may be causing harm.
Looking forward to diving into these concepts on my LIVE!
Sending you all the love in the world!
You don't always get to choose what happens to you.
You don't get to choose when that migraine comes on or how your body feels. You don't get to choose to have a physical disability or the extraordinary circumstances or trauma that happen to you in your lifetime.
You don't get to choose the way people behave or the conditions of everything and anything external in your life.
But you DO get to choose how you respond to any of those things.
You do get to dictate your relationship to your experiences.
We are not in control of the things that happen to us, but we are absolutely in control of how we respond to said things.
And in this choice, what weighs in the balance, is your suffering.
You choose your suffering.
Because suffering is not what happens to us, (thats called life) but suffering is the way we react, resist, fight, suppress or numb whatever is going on around us.
The troublesome thing about that is, once you start living by that, you then become accountable to your suffering. You can't blame it on anyone or anything else.
You are in choice.
If you are choosing to suffer, then more power to ya, my friend. That is your free will.
But once you're ready to release the burden and chains of suffering, you just have to put them down. You just have to make the choice.
Choose to accept whatever is there. Choose to be gentle with whatever it is and allow it in your life to teach you what you need to learn.
Choose to be thankful for the opportunities it is creating for you to grow.
Don't fight it. Don't resist it. Don't judge it or hate it or try to get rid of it. Just let it be. The good, the bad, the painful, the emotional, the highs, the lows. All of it.
Hang on to your peace with dear life so you can allow the fluctuations of life to pass through and around you.
I won't sacrifice my peace for the sake of suffering. I won't make things worse by mentally torturing myself. I have the power to break the cycle of suffering.
I just have to make the choice.