Its hard for me to write emails when I am lacking confidence. Or when my world seems shaky. Or when I feel confused, overwhelmed or unsure.
And if I am being honest, the past 6 months have been defined by moments, and sometimes days of confusion, lack of confidence and overwhelm.
I miss writing these emails. More so, I miss connecting to those of you that resonate with my writing. Those of you that can feel me through my words and connect with the deeper meaning of what I am saying.
There is a big part of me that is so rooted in the truth of who I am. A confidence and love for myself that I have never known before; there is also a noticeable hesitation, shakiness and timidity in expressing some aspects of my soul.
Sometimes, I feel so damn sensitive that I don't know how I can exist in the world with the normal people. (I don't see many other folks crying over a passive aggressive email.)
And between tears, I do remind myself that my sensitivity is my super power. It's how I connect deeply and authentically with other people... but sometimes, it's wildly inconvenient.
I've been doing a thing lately where I intentionally allow someone to witness my intense emotions. To allow someone to observe and be with you while you cry is incredibly powerful. And healing. And uncomfortable.
Did I mention it's uncomfortable?
But if that person knows how to hold space for you to process through whatever is on your heart - even and especially when your logical mind knows how ridiculous your emotional reactivity is - something transforms.
It alchemizes your experience. It turns down the intensity. It creates space. And in that space, comes growth.
I am really frustrated with the trending spiritual culture that preaches #goodvibesonly.
Fuck that. I want all of your vibes. Especially the ones you're embarrassed to show.
I pray you have a person in your life that you can be completely vulnerable in front of. I pray that in the midst of your emotional storm, you can identify your incredible beauty, resilience and strength.
I pray that you will come to know that in your weakness there is power.
I told a friend today that I was trying to toughen up a bit. And he said, "Tenderness and care is needed for love to grow, so don't toughen up too much." That made me feel feelings. (Yes, more feelings than I was alreadyfeeling.)
Learning to love the messy parts of myself is hard.
My childlike joy, wonder and love for life sometimes comes with childlike tenderness, emotional intensity and confusion.
If I only celebrate the parts of me that are easy to love, then others will do the same. And that's not enough for me anymore.
This was uncomfortable to write. But I am constantly reminded of the abundance that comes on the other side of uncomfortability.
Cheering for you.
When was the last time you wept in gratitude?
When you felt so thankful for everything and everyone in your life -even the things and people that have hurt you in some way - that you can't hold the emotion in any more and it comes pouring out in the magical, alchemical presence of tears.
For me, it was about 10 minutes ago in my meditation. And then once yesterday. And then three different times on Sunday.
Before that, it was in my car on the highway, or the ever interesting experience of grateful-weeping at Starbucks or at a cafe´ in Valencia.
I think if I had to choose one thing about my personality that is different from other people is this overwhelming, beautiful gratitude I carry with me everywhere.
I am so thankful for the way God has continued to show up time after time after time after time with abundance and miracles; that fuels my fire of relentless trust and surrender to His goodness.
I am so thankful for the people that continue to support, help, pour out and encourage me; that inspires me to keep doing my own work. To keep growing toward that beautiful future version of myself that I already know and intimately love.
I am so thankful to every soul that allows me into their sacred space, that shares personal details of their stories and their hearts with me; they remind me of my gifts that I was given the day my soul was formed, so that I could show people how loved and magical they truly are. I can show you the Divinity inside you, if you let me.
I used to just be overwhelmed.
All the time, unable to decipher my emotions from the person's across from me. I used to be overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done, that I couldn't bring myself to start. I used to doubt myself and my worth and my abilities. I used to want to be like everyone else and couldn't understand why I couldn't get myself there. I used to be heavy, sad, fearful and just overwhelmed. And I used to be REALLY good at hiding all of this from everyone, including you.
I am different now. If you haven't sat across from me in the past 3 months, then I am not the same person you once knew.
The moment that I finally loved myself and my life the way God loves me, is when everything changed.
I encourage you to do a gratitude assessment on your life. I wonder if you can focus on how overwhelmingly thankful you are that it moves you to tears.
In that movement, in those tears, you will find God.
Cheering for you,
I have had a profound shift over the past ten days or so.
It's actually been really beautiful to witness and it's had such a simplicity to it.
Not like an Aha! moment or some huge revelation, but I just woke up one day and realized the truth that I have been afraid of my power my whole life.
And I'm not scared of that shit anymore.
For most of my life, I have always known that there was something special about me. That God gave me certain gifts to speak to people's hearts, to encourage and inspire. But there was a big part of me that was afraid of my power and of these gifts because I felt unworthy or ashamed to live my life in confidence of who I am or what my purpose is.
I was afraid that people wouldn't want to be around me if I stepped up to claim the power I was given. I was afraid I would push people away.
So, I have always taken the back seat to other people's feelings. I have always put other people's goals and dreams ahead of my own, in hopes that if they saw how helpful I am, they wouldn't reject me. (Fear of abandonment is probably my #1 trigger.)
I have lived my entire life out of alignment with my soul's purpose for the sake of the approval of others.
And that is some bullshit right there.
What I have learned is that whether or not I decide to embrace my power, it has zero affect on how people choose to react to me. Some people are going to reject me regardless of what I am doing. And it actually has nothing to do with me at all.
I am not afraid of my power anymore. I am not afraid of shining my big, beautiful light. I am not afraid of who I was Divinely created to be.
Because she is amazing.
And brilliant. And holds otherworldly capacities to love.
I don't want to waste any more time doubting myself and missing out on opportunities to add more love to this world.
After a few months of seclusion, tons of self-reflection, meditation and self-love, I am done hiding.
I am ready to do God's work in this magical world we live in. I am ready to step into my power fully, and I am not afraid of what will happen when I do. Because I am overwhelmingly loved and supported by the entire universe.
It's important to note that: we are all the same. So, if this is true for me, then it is absolutely true for you.
Stop doubting who you are and why you are here.
Stop downplaying your gifts or being modest about what you're good at.
The intricate tapestry of what makes you you is MAGIC, and was Divinely created.
The sooner you embrace those things, the sooner the entire world will open up to you.
I've figured out the magical keys to the universe. This is one of them. Sit with yourself long enough to find the things within your heart that are holding you back. Everything comes back to self-love.
You can do it.
I'm cheering for you,
I have officially launched my business as a Wellness and Life Coach. Please check out my new, shiny website and let me know what you think! www.collettepatricia.com (Yay!)
This blog has been absolutely instrumental in allowing me to practice flushing out ideas and presenting myself as a Life Coach, in some form. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and for following along. Please share me with your friends!
Thank you to everyone who signed up for my Balancing Cannabis newsletter! I am so excited about this venture and your support means so much! If you're interested in learning more about using cannabis for emotional wellness, then add your email address here. Follow me on Insta too! @balancingcannabis
Welp, I am still job hunting.
The awesome thing about California is that there are SO many opportunities here. The problem with California is that there are sooooo many people competing for the same opportunities.
As I have tweaked my resume´ about 400 times, something hilarious and awesome occurred to me.
The only thing I have more experience in, besides doing hair, (and having my heart smashed into a thousand pieces- but that doesn't really serve on a resume´ apparently) is consuming cannabis.
The other funny thing is that now that I live in a state where cannabis is legal, my experience and knowledge of the plant and the ways that I have used it to help with my anxiety and depression, are actually wildly beneficial and marketable.
AND! My strong desire to help people expand their consciousness, find emotional balance and wellness, and tap into spiritual growth are aligned with using cannabis as well.
I am not trying to convince you of anything. I just thought you would be curious to see what I have been up to.
And since you have been here with me from the very beginning, I feel supported and held by you in all my endeavors. And announcing it to you first feels less intimidating. It's like a soft opening. ;)
So, I am creating a cannabis education and coaching company, called Balancing Cannabis, designed to educate people on the many ways plant medicine can alleviate suffering, and facilitate self-awareness and emotional wellness. This will be in the form of in-person workshops, seminars and online content.
I will also be working with people one-on-one to offer advice and support as they navigate a sea of readily available, yet often intimidating products.
Eventually, I'll be hosting emotional wellness with cannabis retreats for women! (Woot, woot!) And as the laws continue to change in our country about cannabis, the opportunities become infinitely abundant!
I am not selling any products or trying to convince anyone of anything. I am just creating a platform for people who are curious, but perhaps nervous about trying cannabis. People who want to learn more and get some real, unbiased information.
I want to destigmatize the use of cannabis. I want to destigmatize mental illness.
I want to create a safe space for people to actually learn about the plant, the science behind it, what is happening in your body when you consume it, and more importantly. the many ways it can help people.
All that being said, I know that cannabis is still a controversial topic. I have an incredibly diverse group of people on this email list and that follow me online. I am sensitive to your perceptions and opinions about cannabis.
I have also had to work through overcoming a lot of my own fear and shame around sharing the fact that I use cannabis because of cultural and religious conditioning around the use of the plant.
But I truly believe in the medicinal properties of cannabis. It has been the only thing that has consistently helped me through episodes of depression and I continue to learn so much about myself whenever I consume cannabis. I have witnessed the ways it helps people overcome chronic pain, mental distress, digestion issues and so many others.
So, for any of you that are interested in following along or supporting me on this new endeavor of mine, I kindly ask that you do a few things:
1. Click here to sign up for my Balancing Cannabis newsletter.
2. Follow @balancingcannabis on IG and invite 1 (or 5) of your cannabis-friendly friends to do the same. (there's nothing on there yet, so don't be alarmed haha)
3. Engage with me on that new IG once it goes live. Ask me questions in the comments, tag your friends, & share my stuff.
If you're not down to clown, then no worries. This email list will remain my random thoughts and musings about love, life and our beautiful Creator.
I must say however, if you carry any judgement against cannabis or people who consume it, I really encourage you to do some research.
Cannabis is not for everyone. And that's ok. I want to help create a world where people are supported to find their own path to wellness, regardless of what is on that path. To each her own, amiright?
If you're putting yourself out there and being brave, I am cheering for you.
If you're starting from scratch again, trying to create the life you want, I am cheering for you.
If you're lost in some dark hole somewhere, wondering what is going on, I am cheering for you.
And above all, I am cheering loud as heck for my damn self.
Love you guys!
Email me back! Let me hear from ya. Down to clown?? or Nahhhh?? Love ya no matter what!
Job hunting is a lot like dating.
Which probably explains why I am not very good at it.
I've never been a date-more-than-one-person-at-a-time type of gal.
I definitely don't judge, nor do I actually care, about anyone else's dating methods, but for me, I have only ever been emotionally available to one person at a time. And the same goes for jobs.
For me, I have to really imagine and feel what it would be like to be a part of a company or a brand, so applying and interviewing at multiple jobs at the same time feels inauthentic to me. I guess the same explanation applies to dating as well.
I didn't get the awesome job I had been interviewing for. They went with someone with experience in the industry over me, but I got great feedback. So, I suppose that's a good thing, but it's funny how similar professional rejection feels to personal rejection.
"You are really great, and it was a really tough decision, but you just weren't _______ enough."
I intuitively knew on Tuesday that I didn't get it, but I didn't officially find out until Friday. So needless to say, last week was a rough week.
I am in this strange position where my authenticity has become a cornerstone to my entire existence. And what I mean by that is, that I am finding myself actually incapable of being, feeling and expressing myself that is out of alignment to my absolute truth.
There are even times when I think to myself, "This situation does not necessarily call for such honest vulnerability, so feel free to fluff it up a bit, homie."
But I literally can't do it.
A lot of people love that about me. I think it's one of the things that draws people to me and makes people very curious about me.
It's also the thing that tends to push some people away.
I am a feeler. I am sensitive and I am expressive. I navigate my world and my relationships based on how I feel and although it is not always the most sensical and socially appropriate thing to do, I can't - or won't - apologize for it.
People who are uncomfortable feeling strong feelings, will feel uncomfortable around me.
And for the very first time in my entire life, I have learned that it's not me, it's them.
People don't reject me because of my intense feelings, but they reject the feelings within themselves that they don't like, that for whatever reason, come up around me.
I used to do everything I could to prevent people from rejecting me or from changing their minds about me.
I used to do a lot of things that declared everyone else'e emotional state was more important than mine. "I am not ok unless you are ok", and that kind of bullshit.
But the truth is, I am OK even when I am not OK. I love the shit out of my broken heart and my sad mind. I am OK sitting and facing my fear. I am OK looking into my childhood and identifying situations that created false beliefs that are manifesting in my adult life. I don't run away from myself when shit gets hard.
(How does that translate onto a resume? I'll keep ya posted. )
It's easier for other people to say that I am not _______ enough, than it is for them to say, "I have grief in my heart that I can't muster the courage to face. Therefore, it's not me, it's you."
I just want you to know that there is something about you that is magical and healing and wonderful. Something designed and created by God for you specifically. The easiest way to identify what that is is to find the thing about you that some people absolutely love and some people absolutely don't.
You are medicine for the people that need you. You are your own medicine. Don't shy away from or apologize for the one thing about you that has the potential to heal souls - yours included - just because some people can't see your goodness.
I posted something on my story today that says, "If you aren't going to swim deep with me, then get out of my waters."
Either love it or leave it. I am OK either way.
Cheering for you,
Spiritual Shaming is a real thing, y'all.
I have been chewing on this topic for a while and for whatever reason, it's on my heart today to share so here we go.
I have been a highly emotional human my entire life. I've chatted publicly about depression and anxiety and I share openly my struggles and my victories.
Being emotional is one of the magical parts of this human experience. No other creature on earth has the emotional intelligence and depth as the human species. That, to me, indicates that emotions are something created by God for us specifically, and they should not be overlooked, brushed off, or viewed as character flaws. They should be celebrated, embraced and investigated. All of them.
I have had many personal experiences of people shaming the presence of my emotions and thus backhandedly insulting my spiritual evolution and my relationship with God.
At the time, I didn't have the language, understanding or the confidence to respond in an intelligent way, so usually when I experienced spiritual shaming, I just accepted it as truth.
I can remember well-meaning friends in my christian community that used to say things in regards to my depression like, "You just need to lean into the Lord more", or "Did you have your quiet time today?" And well-meaning yogi's that would say things like, "Well, what does your practice look like these days?" or "WOW. I can really tell you didn't meditate today."
And yes, leaning into the Lord and quiet time is SO important. And physical practice and meditation is instrumental in overcoming obstacles and creating clarity within yourself, but you can't practice the human away. Or pray the emotions away. They are there for a reason, they are trying to teach you.
Then there is a sea of these #goodvibesonly posts on social media, as if #badvibes or #sadvibes or #heartbrokenvibes are shameful. I find myself feeling very discouraged by some of these "inspiration accounts". (#unfollow, amiright?!)
Here's what I know to be absolute truth:
The character of God* is that of unconditional, radical acceptance and love.
*The energy of the Creator..
*The frequency of the Universe...
*The vibration of Source...
The unconditional and radical acceptance absolutely applies to the humanness of all of us.
That wild, relentless love the creator has for you is UNCONDITIONAL.
Can you reread that for a second and just let that goodness sink all the way down to your belly.
Let that sink all the way down to the parts of you that feel unworthy... All the way down to the parts of you that feel like you're late on the whole adulting game... All the way down to the parts of you that still has no idea what you're doing.
Let that truth be the song that your soul sings to the world.
I am wildly loved by the Creator of the whole entire Universe! And so are you.
Shame does not exist in a relationship with God. People do the shame thing.
So, now that you know spiritual shaming is a real thing, don't spiritually shame people. Even with the best of intentions, expecting people to "fix" their humanness, their moods, or their emotions using spiritual practices is harmful and destructive. It communicates that that person is not lovable or acceptable the way they are. And it compromises the practice itself. Causing people to turn their backs on methods and teachings when they "don't work".
If you find yourself with the gift of holding space for someone as they are processing something emotionally, the very best thing you can do is align yourself to that unconditional and radical acceptance, and show them that.
But more importantly, don't allow anyone or anything or any stupid post to make you feel shame about how you feel. You can't meditate away your feelings. You can't pray away your emotions.
You can only trust that you're loved and held in whatever you're feeling, and that there is wisdom for you inside the emotion, that will only reveal itself by radical, unconditional acceptance of yourself.
Yes, of course, lean into the Lord, meditate, read scripture, do yoga, do anything that brings you closer to God, but do it because He is so hungry for a relationship with you. And because it nourishes your soul. And for no other reason than that.
I freaking love this email list and every soul that reads my words.
(I know who you are, because I am a creeper and I look. haha)
Cheering for you and loving you to the moon!
This has been a super tough few months for me.
Starting over, moving to a new place, honoring and releasing the past, healing and nurturing my sweet, gentle heart; all while trying to create a life for myself from scratch. A life I am proud of.
I’m finding the balance between loving myself unconditionally on the hard days, and reminding myself of my gifts on the days I am capable of more. I have come face-to-face with old wounds and new ones.
I’ve compared myself to others, I’ve doubted what I am capable of, I’ve questioned my purpose here. I’ve felt fear, grief, and anger. (Lots of anger.) Some days, I am the worst version of myself.
As I find myself with less to share publicly in this season, I will embrace and love that side of me too. The side of me that isn’t so boldly confident. The side of me that struggles with anxiety and people’s perception of me. The side of me that has so much fear that I become paralyzed and do nothing at all.
I have poured out from the depths of my soul for others my entire life and I am finally learning how to save some of that medicine for myself. Which is why I haven’t been writing, or posting, or creating, or sharing.
Yes, I am a manifestation of the Creator in form. Yes, my soul is part of the most beautiful and loving God.
But, I am also just a human. Just like everyone else. Trying to learn who I am by unlearning everything I thought I was.
I am feeling more settled and grounded. I am making friends. I am interviewing for an AMAZING job (it’s looking like I’ll get it! 🙌🏼). I’m spending time with my sweet sister and my adorable nephew. I laugh a lot. I share my heart and my feelings. I challenge people to meet me in a space vulnerability and honesty. I am fully aligned to the love and goodness of God.
Life is a beautiful dream.
I’m safe, warm, fed, loved and blessed beyond belief.
And I am eternally grateful.
Cheering for you,
I’d love to hear how you’re doing. Send me a email if you’re powering through a tough season as well. We’re all in this together
Thank you, Alicia for the kick in the pants I needed to start writing again! Love you!
If you have been following my writing for any length of time, you may recall me saying something along these lines:
If God is an ocean, your soul is a single droplet of water.
But your soul is a single droplet of that same ocean.
You soul, your life force, the thing that animates your human space suit you're wearing, that part of you, is actually God, Himself.
He is so infinitely creative, He wanted to experience human life 8 billion different ways.
And He made you, exactly as you are in, in all your human perfection and messiness, on purpose for that exact reason.
To experience life through you, and as you.
He doesn't live somewhere separate from you. He doesn't live in the sky or even in a house in your heart.
He is so intimately part of your/my/everyone's existence, and we are missing it.
He is the aspect of you that makes you magically you.
I think its becoming more common conversational knowledge that the whole point of the human thing is the love.
Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others.
God is only unconditional, pure and perfect love. He does not and can not exist in any other way.
(I say, anything/anyone that says otherwise has never actually met Him.)
By honoring the truth of who you are, who and why you were created, and aligning yourself to the love of God that is your soul, everything changes.
(And you can use a different word than God if you want. Source, Love, Universe, Light, Divine Feminine, Allah, whatever.
What we are talking about here can't be described by words anyway, so the word you use is irrelevant.)
Overtime, as you cultivate a mindset toward loving God, loving yourself and loving others, you start to see the beauty of God mingling, dancing, playing, laughing and loving between people.
You start to see Love in nature, trees, and animals.
You see Love in the people who have hurt you, you see Love in the hard circumstances of your life.
You just see Love everywhere. Because God is everywhere. He is every thing. And all he is, is love.
The human expression of God is the expression of unconditional love.
Unconditional love when someone doesn't deserve it. Unconditional love when things don't go your way.
Unconditional love when someone changes their mind. Unconditional love when you fucked up.
Unconditional love when you don't understand, or know the whole story or share the same beliefs.
Start practicing that, and I guarantee God will show up.
I am so, so grateful.
Cheering for you,
I am shifting my focus for 2019 and diving into more of my spiritual journey over the last year. I'll be talking more about God and consciousness and what I have learned and experienced and how I am trying to integrate the divinity of my soul into the humanness of my life.
Anyway, if you're not into that, then for sure, unsubscribe.
A pattern I have noticed in my life is that people fall in the love with best parts of me. And they do it quickly.
I can literally watch it happen.
And as long as I maintain the energy of the best parts of me then they maintain their love.
But the trouble with that is, I am not paper doll. I am not one-sided. There is a lot of depth and dimension to who I am.
But when I show the other sides of myself to people - the not so poised, pretty, excited sides, they fucking reject it.
And I find myself not wanting to post or write emails that reflect how I truly feel sometimes because of that pattern of my past.
Well, the only way to break a pattern is to act in the opposite way you have always acted in the events of your pattern, whatever that may be.
So, the truth is, for a while there, I felt like I was losing my damn mind.
I still feel very disoriented, and confused. I have no fucking idea what I am doing with myself, my life, or my future.
I feel very disconnected from my message and my purpose and why I am here.
Some days, I laugh a lot. And some days, I cry for no reason or for a thousand reasons.
I am not a jester here to entertain. I am sharing the depths of my heart so that hopefully other people won't feel alone in their suffering.
I just want to remind you that inside of the same day, it is absolutely possible for there to be deep sadness, belly laughs, breathtaking beauty, and snot bubbles.
New Year, New You is bullshit.
"New You" implies there is something wrong with you that needs fixing.
You are magically perfect. Exactly as you are.
You are so overwhelmingly loved on the days that you feel like the worst version of yourself and on the days that you are everyone's sunshine.
The only thing that has remained relentless in my life is the incredible intimacy I have with God.
And I know for damn sure if that is there, then I am good.
All these emotional weather patterns will come and go. All my questions will be answered in time.
Everything will make sense. I just have to seek the lessons with a humble heart. Hear the way He calls my name when I feel invisible. And never ever forget,
That I am perfect, even though I'm fucked up.
(Borrowed that line from a Kesha song, the woman is brilliant.)
And as long as I act from a place of love, I am never wrong.
I highly recommend getting your entire life turned upside down (for a second time.)
It helps you learn who you truly are.
And who I am is: LOVED, & strong AF.
Cheering for you,
2018 was the absolute best year of my life, without a doubt.
I got to see so much of this beautiful earth.
I got to experience myself in ways I had never before.
I felt the overwhelming love of God from people that know and support me, so many beautiful strangers that I passed on the streets, at the beach or on a plane, and from God, himself.
And as I sit here now in sunny, southern California, there is an obvious contrast to the way this year was supposed to end.
It certainly hasn't gone as planned.
But in the supposed to's and the should have's is the suffering.
As many people ask why I am back in the states, and what my plan is and blah, blah, blah, I am now at the crossroads of how I want to imprint this entire last year into my memory.
How you recall a certain situation is how you will remember it.
The story that you retell over and over to your family, friends, your dentist, or whoever, is how your experiences will stay in your mind for years to come. Even for the rest of your life.
I have a choice. How do I want to frame this?
I will forever look back on this year and every experience in it, as the most love-filled and joyful season of my life. (So far.)
I will remember this year as the pivot point when everything changed because I fell madly in love with myself.
I will remember this year as the most blessed and beautiful experience, ever.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the love and generosity I was shown. I am a better person because of it.
But if I only focus on what the end of this year was supposed to look like, then I'd miss all of that.
And I was there for a few days, trust me. Ya girl is not that mindful, yet. It's so perfectly human to get lost in the disappointments and hurts of life.
The goal is: just don't stay there.
Since I have a very nosey family and friends, and support system, (love 'em, but damn.) I realized how important it is for me to decide how I want to remember this year, this relationship, and all the experiences that have led me to this exact moment.
I am the creator of my reality after all.
So, I'll be over here focusing on all the beautiful things I felt/experienced/tasted this year. All the things I want more of.
Love, laughter, vulnerable tears, safe spaces, joyful hearts, kindness, gentleness, beauty.
Because any amount of those things is definitely worth a few tears from time to time.
Cheers to whatever's next. And since I create my life, I have a feeling it's going to be pretty amazing.
Sending you all the love and joy in the world.
Be so very blessed this Christmas.
Give someone you love a big squeeze.
I just read this cute little saying on the IG:
"Magic happens when you do not give up even though you want to. The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart."
Looks like me and the Universe are a match made in heaven.