Being a human is hard.
Some might argue that perhaps it is harder for some than others, but the universal truth is that it is hard for all of us. And none of us get out of here alive.
I would say that I have had a fair share of suffering in my 34 years. Trauma, heartbreak, devastation... blah, blah, blah, all the good ones.
Some have had it much worse than I have and some have had it a little easier.
I was diagnosed with depression at 15. I then spent 17 years on and off medication, in and out of therapy, "leaning into the Lord" (whatever that means as a treatment option for depression?) and self-medicating in a variety of other ways. With cannabis, booze, relationships and whatever else I could find that would make me feel "normal."
But what is normal?
It seems that the only thing about being a human that can be classified as being "normal" is that being a human is hard. So, if you've had a rough go at it so far, then that makes you as normal as it gets. (Congratulations.)
But what makes being a human even harder is our rigid, unforgiveness of the humanness in ourselves and others.
We judge, ostracize, and condemn ourselves for being human, when being human is the only reason we are here. Then we judge, ostracize and condemn the humanness in others.
We hold ourselves and those we love to a standard of perfection so that when one of us inevitably fails, we can say, "See! I told you I am unloveable."
We lock ourselves in a cage because we are afraid. We are afraid to feel, to be vulnerable, to be seen, and to speak our truth. We stay in the cage that we built ourselves, with the key in our hand, too fearful of the unknown of freedom and comfortable in the confines of our cage.
We have forgotten that we are eternal. That we are the embodiment of Love, of God. We think that we are only human.
And being a human is hard.
I am learning that the only meaning to life is learning how to fall in love with being a human.
(And I'm not preaching this, I just received this download myself.)
Some people in white coats would say that I have "suicidal thoughts". It's a vague phrase that they like throw at people with "mental illness" so they can identify the risk of one hurting themselves. Necessary in some cases I'm sure, but confusing in others. I've never wanted to take my own life, but I've wept, begged and argued with God many times about being done with the human thing.
I think I have a pretty good understanding of what happens after this life. I know who God is - as much as my tiny human brain can comprehend, so I don't fear death. In fact, I've asked for it many times.
But what I have heard back, now clearer than ever, is that my work isn't done here until I have learned to fall in love with every aspect of being a human.
How can you love the parts of being a human that hurt so bad? How can you fall in love with the fear of being vulnerable and then being rejected or humiliated? How can you fall in love with the suffering that is reflected back to us everywhere we go?
I am still learning. All is know is that being a human is hard.
But it's so beautiful.
We are vulnerable, fragile little beings that house the Spirit of the entire Universe in our chest. We are sensitive and get our feelings hurt when one of 8.7 billion people don't want to love us anymore. We build walls of protection around ourselves and our hearts because we believe that we are just a physical body living in a physical world.
It's really so cute, if you think about it.
Your messy humanness is so fucking beautiful. Your human experience and the journey you are on to learn to love yourself and others is so perfectly Divine.
You're here to be a human. To love and experience all the human things.
To feel, to dance, to weep.
To see and to be seen.
You have all of eternity to rest in the bliss within the sea of Eternal Love.
Might as well enjoy being a human while you have the chance.
I love you.
When most people hear the word "ego," they think of arrogance.
You might think of that one guy in college who had a big ego.
You know the type. He was so conceited and full of himself. Selfish, unconscious and destructive with his "my way or the highway" mentality.
The challenging thing about this socially-accepted definition of the word "ego", is it tends to be confusing for those of us that the ego expresses as the opposite.
In fear. Or in unworthiness. That is still ego.
In simple terms, the ego is learned patterns of behavior and beliefs that make up your personality. It is, to some degree, your sense of identity.
An aspect of our egos is a method of coping and defense. Its very nature is to "protect us" from the unknown and keep us comfortable.
The human ego expresses outwardly along a spectrum. One side of the spectrum can be this cocky arrogance I referred to above, but the other side is feelings of complete worthlessness, or for me, it's fear.
I see a lot of "spiritual teaching" on the internet that talks about the death of the ego. That you have to kill the ego in order to evolve. That is simply not true, as humans will never be completely without ego. It is a construct of the mind and as long as you have a mind, you will have an ego.
The work becomes learning the ego so intimately that we can identify when it is driving the ship. And then focus on healing the wounds of the subconscious; the wounds that created the beliefs and the defense-mechanisms of the ego in the first place.
We all have trauma. And our trauma has informed our individual egos and how that ego expresses itself through our words, actions, beliefs and patterns of behavior.
These wounds are not always easy to pinpoint their origin, but acknowledging and honoring the fact that they exist is an important aspect of this work.
When I am fully aligned to the Spirit of God, when I have clarity and peace about my mission here on earth and what I am here to do, I am confident, well-spoken and sure of my next step. (Perhaps to some people, that might be perceived as arrogance, cocky or having a big ego. But other people's perception of me is none of my business.)
However, I know that when my ego acts up, I am fearful, timid and overwhelmed. I cower from opportunity, I doubt my ability to serve and help others. I question my shaky voice and whether or not I have what it takes to make a difference in the world.
The "evolution" we desire as we work through layers of our healing, is aligningthe ego and the spirit. So that the expression of your ego is the expression of your spirit. So your thoughts, beliefs, and patterns of behavior are in alignment to the soul.
We don't need to kill the ego.
We need to heal the ego.
But we can't heal what we wont look at. Or what we are not ready to see.
Have a look inside.
Cheering for you.
I love you,
I think one of the most important acts of self-love and a necessary step on your journey to healing is learning your triggers.
We all have them.
Yet, we all blame the things or people in our external environment when our triggers get pushed.
But its all you, baby. Your triggers are the expression or symptoms of things deep in your subconscious or in your emotional wounding that still need love, acceptance and healing.
Yet instead of just welcoming them and allowing them to be there, we blame the thing outside of us and ignore the trigger.
I've been spending a lot of time recently observing myself and my triggers. Usually when something pokes one of these deep-seated wounds, my coping mechanism goes a little like this: First, I close down. Then I get sad and weepy for a bit. Then, I pretend like everything fine for a while. I deflect with humor and distract myself with my phone, loud music or anything external. After a few hours or days go by, I sit in meditation and I am overwhelmed with the truth that is underneath the trigger.
Usually these vulnerable revelations come quietly. A soft voice inside me that says, "this still hurts."
The thing that still hurts sometimes has nothing to do with whatever triggered me in the first place.
Or maybe it does. Maybe it's a situation, a conversation, a tone of voice, a lack of action, subtle facial expression or someone's ignorance a little too similar to the past.
The most important element of this is that is requires you to be vulnerable with yourself.
It requires you to lay down the blame, the ego and the defense mechanism and admit that there is a part of you that is still hurting. And in this admission, you have to nurture and comfort yourself.
And nurturing yourself is not always easy.
Learning your triggers, and then committing to being the safe space for yourself takes practice.
But if you don't know your triggers, you are living as the unconscious expression of your wounding. (Read that again.)
Don't run away from them because they are uncomfortable. Don't blame the person or thing in front of you that triggered you. Sit with yourself in a loving and gentle way and say, "you are safe here."
Everything that you feel is ok.
Also important to note is that this is true for everyone. So, if you trigger someone else, or if someone else acts out in an expression of their triggers, you can remind yourself that is has nothing to do with you. Perhaps something you said or did triggered a memory from childhood or a destructive relationship in their past. It has nothing to do with you. Find compassion for the people in your life. We are all just doing the best we can.
Cheering for you.
I love you,
*Note from the Author: There is a Divine entity that can not be described in words, but the humans love to use words to define things. I use the terms God, Source, Universe, Christ Consciousness, Love, Light, Field of Intelligence, among others, interchangeably. This entity that I am referring to, is far greater than our human brains can ever begin to possibly fathom. I encourage you to bypass the terms, words and language if they serve as a distraction for you from the truth of the message. What you call this entity is less important than your experiential understanding of the all-loving, all-knowing, all-creating power that It embodies.
You have to know that you are both, God & Human. The soul is the intersection of the earthly and heavenly realms. God is the Ocean, and your soul is a single droplet of water from that ocean. You are co-creating your life with a Loving, Universal Divine Source of Love, that I call God and Jesus Christ Consciousness. This Universal Source and Field of Intelligence - which is both internal and external, within and without, the physical and emotional universe- responds to your energetic signature, the energy you carry, and whatever you believe about yourself and the world around you.
Jesus is the Divine entity that took that intersection and made it an even plane. The Christ is the bridge between the realms. Between God and the humans.
But you forget that you're God. You behave, believe, think, perceive like a human. There are many spiritual paths that lead to enlightenment. However, all of them require a lifetime (or many lifetimes) of dedicated efforts, and still, you only *might* become enlightened.
Or, you can simply remember that the Christ was enlightened. And upon his enlightenment, He sacrificed His perfect expression of his Human/God-Self for every soul that ever existed, that ever has existed, and ever will exist for all of eternity. If you accept this gift of grace and abounding love, if you can align to the consciousness of Christ, if you allow the Christ to embody and animate your being, you will experience Heaven on Earth. Truly. You heal, you grow, you evolve, you level up, you glow and illuminate from within. Life flows, there's ease and abundance. There is joy in the present moment, even when the present moment is unpleasant. You become eternal and you are one with Source for all eternity.
But you can't bring low, dense emotional energy into the ethereal realm. You have to do the work on the human side so you can ascend and meet God in the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. Quiet the mind and feel the body. Find literal and absolute surrender to the Goodness of God in every moment, of every day. Heal your traumas, transcend the ego, find the true expression of your soul and stabilize that expression. Fall in love with every. single. thing about your life, adore your body and bravely sing the song that you are here to sing.
Hell is an Earth where all the humans forget that they're God. They kill each other, the planet and themselves. Their identities are rooted in anger, frustration, and pain. They are energetically dense. They are stuck, victims, afraid and unaware. They are depressed and they suffer. Start with awareness. Just witness and observe yourself. This is especially easy when something triggers you. Notice your automatic, conditioned reaction. Work on those first.
Then, start trying to feel your body. Be mindful, because it is likely that you live in low level pain all the time and the subconscious mind has blocked your conscious connection to the pain as a courtesy, or a defense mechanism. Once you start to feel your body, you will become aware that your body hurts and that you have emotional wounds left unprocessed. This stage in the journey will likely be unpleasant. However, your relationship to pain is a necessary route of self-reflection that definitely deserves to be explored. That's the next step. Address your relationship to pain. Work through your emotional shit. Feel your fucking feelings and then RELEASE, forgive, let go, bless and THANK everything that has ever happened to you. Be grateful for every experience, good, bad or indifferent, as they all served your evolution, your ascension, your growth into your God-Self.
Drop those emotional burdens you're holding. Play more. Have fun. Laugh. Find beauty everywhere and in everyone. Use all five sense with deep reverence. Be present, embody love, meditate for goodness sake. Add more love to this beautiful, incredible world we live and love in. Fall in love with yourself, with nature and the moon. Get out of your comfort zone, know your worth, chase your dreams, be brave, because don't forget, you're literally God. Because the essence of you is the essence of God. The magic element that makes you you, is actually God.
Find God by emulating unconditional love and you wont have to look far until Source comes to you. Once a human has an interaction with the Divine, they become forever changed. Their DNA expresses differently, they are REBORN. When they are truly reborn, they honor and celebrate the truth that are both God and Human.
The truth that they are the Human expression of the Divine on Earth. The Entity of Love is the life force that animates your being. The connection point to that Source of Love and Light is the nervous system. I am eternal and perfect. I have everything I need. I am worthy of abounding love, both from my Creator and from my fellow man.
Worship the Divinity within you and worship the expression of the Divinity known as you. Worship the Universal Field of Intelligence that is surrounding and enveloping you at all times. Worship the display of majesty, beauty and creativity that is all around you. Trust and SURRENDER to the Goodness and provision of the Universe.
And remember you're also human. Living a perfect, fragile, brief period of time at this exact moment in history. You have a song to sing and you're here for a reason. The people who you are sent to help need your medicine. So, enjoy your life. Laugh, dance, sing at the top of your lungs in the car. Eat pizza, drink champagne, make love. Make beautiful, healthy, nourishing, healing, and redeeming love. Release shame, fear, comparison, doubt, insecurities and everything that isn't helping you along your journey. Forgive yourself for being human and for making mistakes. Forgive the other humans for being human and for making mistakes.
The journey is up. The next level requires a different, lighter version of you. In order to transcend, you have to break the patterns, habits, automatic behaviors, conditioned beliefs and self-limiting thoughts that are keeping you stuck. It's incredibly uncomfortable, terrifying, confronting and humbling. Which is why many choose to stay where they are, in darkness.
Find things that scare the shit out of you and do them over and over again with shaking knees and tears in your eyes. The more often you face and overcome your fears, the greater the abounding blessings and miracles that are waiting for you when you level up, and those miracles are so much better than you could have ever imagined for yourself.
Fall in love with God, your life, yourself, Mother Earth and the moon. Be the expression of love to every soul that you meet. Honor the truth that you are God and Human in perfect union. Quiet your mind and feel your body. Find the beauty in every moment.
Surrender. Love. Be.
I'm cheering for you.
The Defiant Dreamer
*If you have found heaven on earth, if you have had a profound spiritual experience that has changed you from the inside out, if you know how to experience true spiritual bliss and true connectedness with Source, it should be your honor to help others have those same types of experiences. These experiences will raise the collective consciousness and these experiences will heal the world.
Its hard for me to write emails when I am lacking confidence. Or when my world seems shaky. Or when I feel confused, overwhelmed or unsure.
And if I am being honest, the past 6 months have been defined by moments, and sometimes days of confusion, lack of confidence and overwhelm.
I miss writing these emails. More so, I miss connecting to those of you that resonate with my writing. Those of you that can feel me through my words and connect with the deeper meaning of what I am saying.
There is a big part of me that is so rooted in the truth of who I am. A confidence and love for myself that I have never known before; there is also a noticeable hesitation, shakiness and timidity in expressing some aspects of my soul.
Sometimes, I feel so damn sensitive that I don't know how I can exist in the world with the normal people. (I don't see many other folks crying over a passive aggressive email.)
And between tears, I do remind myself that my sensitivity is my super power. It's how I connect deeply and authentically with other people... but sometimes, it's wildly inconvenient.
I've been doing a thing lately where I intentionally allow someone to witness my intense emotions. To allow someone to observe and be with you while you cry is incredibly powerful. And healing. And uncomfortable.
Did I mention it's uncomfortable?
But if that person knows how to hold space for you to process through whatever is on your heart - even and especially when your logical mind knows how ridiculous your emotional reactivity is - something transforms.
It alchemizes your experience. It turns down the intensity. It creates space. And in that space, comes growth.
I am really frustrated with the trending spiritual culture that preaches #goodvibesonly.
Fuck that. I want all of your vibes. Especially the ones you're embarrassed to show.
I pray you have a person in your life that you can be completely vulnerable in front of. I pray that in the midst of your emotional storm, you can identify your incredible beauty, resilience and strength.
I pray that you will come to know that in your weakness there is power.
I told a friend today that I was trying to toughen up a bit. And he said, "Tenderness and care is needed for love to grow, so don't toughen up too much." That made me feel feelings. (Yes, more feelings than I was alreadyfeeling.)
Learning to love the messy parts of myself is hard.
My childlike joy, wonder and love for life sometimes comes with childlike tenderness, emotional intensity and confusion.
If I only celebrate the parts of me that are easy to love, then others will do the same. And that's not enough for me anymore.
This was uncomfortable to write. But I am constantly reminded of the abundance that comes on the other side of uncomfortability.
Cheering for you.
When was the last time you wept in gratitude?
When you felt so thankful for everything and everyone in your life -even the things and people that have hurt you in some way - that you can't hold the emotion in any more and it comes pouring out in the magical, alchemical presence of tears.
For me, it was about 10 minutes ago in my meditation. And then once yesterday. And then three different times on Sunday.
Before that, it was in my car on the highway, or the ever interesting experience of grateful-weeping at Starbucks or at a cafe´ in Valencia.
I think if I had to choose one thing about my personality that is different from other people is this overwhelming, beautiful gratitude I carry with me everywhere.
I am so thankful for the way God has continued to show up time after time after time after time with abundance and miracles; that fuels my fire of relentless trust and surrender to His goodness.
I am so thankful for the people that continue to support, help, pour out and encourage me; that inspires me to keep doing my own work. To keep growing toward that beautiful future version of myself that I already know and intimately love.
I am so thankful to every soul that allows me into their sacred space, that shares personal details of their stories and their hearts with me; they remind me of my gifts that I was given the day my soul was formed, so that I could show people how loved and magical they truly are. I can show you the Divinity inside you, if you let me.
I used to just be overwhelmed.
All the time, unable to decipher my emotions from the person's across from me. I used to be overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done, that I couldn't bring myself to start. I used to doubt myself and my worth and my abilities. I used to want to be like everyone else and couldn't understand why I couldn't get myself there. I used to be heavy, sad, fearful and just overwhelmed. And I used to be REALLY good at hiding all of this from everyone, including you.
I am different now. If you haven't sat across from me in the past 3 months, then I am not the same person you once knew.
The moment that I finally loved myself and my life the way God loves me, is when everything changed.
I encourage you to do a gratitude assessment on your life. I wonder if you can focus on how overwhelmingly thankful you are that it moves you to tears.
In that movement, in those tears, you will find God.
Cheering for you,
I have had a profound shift over the past ten days or so.
It's actually been really beautiful to witness and it's had such a simplicity to it.
Not like an Aha! moment or some huge revelation, but I just woke up one day and realized the truth that I have been afraid of my power my whole life.
And I'm not scared of that shit anymore.
For most of my life, I have always known that there was something special about me. That God gave me certain gifts to speak to people's hearts, to encourage and inspire. But there was a big part of me that was afraid of my power and of these gifts because I felt unworthy or ashamed to live my life in confidence of who I am or what my purpose is.
I was afraid that people wouldn't want to be around me if I stepped up to claim the power I was given. I was afraid I would push people away.
So, I have always taken the back seat to other people's feelings. I have always put other people's goals and dreams ahead of my own, in hopes that if they saw how helpful I am, they wouldn't reject me. (Fear of abandonment is probably my #1 trigger.)
I have lived my entire life out of alignment with my soul's purpose for the sake of the approval of others.
And that is some bullshit right there.
What I have learned is that whether or not I decide to embrace my power, it has zero affect on how people choose to react to me. Some people are going to reject me regardless of what I am doing. And it actually has nothing to do with me at all.
I am not afraid of my power anymore. I am not afraid of shining my big, beautiful light. I am not afraid of who I was Divinely created to be.
Because she is amazing.
And brilliant. And holds otherworldly capacities to love.
I don't want to waste any more time doubting myself and missing out on opportunities to add more love to this world.
After a few months of seclusion, tons of self-reflection, meditation and self-love, I am done hiding.
I am ready to do God's work in this magical world we live in. I am ready to step into my power fully, and I am not afraid of what will happen when I do. Because I am overwhelmingly loved and supported by the entire universe.
It's important to note that: we are all the same. So, if this is true for me, then it is absolutely true for you.
Stop doubting who you are and why you are here.
Stop downplaying your gifts or being modest about what you're good at.
The intricate tapestry of what makes you you is MAGIC, and was Divinely created.
The sooner you embrace those things, the sooner the entire world will open up to you.
I've figured out the magical keys to the universe. This is one of them. Sit with yourself long enough to find the things within your heart that are holding you back. Everything comes back to self-love.
You can do it.
I'm cheering for you,
I have officially launched my business as a Wellness and Life Coach. Please check out my new, shiny website and let me know what you think! www.collettepatricia.com (Yay!)
This blog has been absolutely instrumental in allowing me to practice flushing out ideas and presenting myself as a Life Coach, in some form. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and for following along. Please share me with your friends!
Thank you to everyone who signed up for my Balancing Cannabis newsletter! I am so excited about this venture and your support means so much! If you're interested in learning more about using cannabis for emotional wellness, then add your email address here. Follow me on Insta too! @balancingcannabis
Welp, I am still job hunting.
The awesome thing about California is that there are SO many opportunities here. The problem with California is that there are sooooo many people competing for the same opportunities.
As I have tweaked my resume´ about 400 times, something hilarious and awesome occurred to me.
The only thing I have more experience in, besides doing hair, (and having my heart smashed into a thousand pieces- but that doesn't really serve on a resume´ apparently) is consuming cannabis.
The other funny thing is that now that I live in a state where cannabis is legal, my experience and knowledge of the plant and the ways that I have used it to help with my anxiety and depression, are actually wildly beneficial and marketable.
AND! My strong desire to help people expand their consciousness, find emotional balance and wellness, and tap into spiritual growth are aligned with using cannabis as well.
I am not trying to convince you of anything. I just thought you would be curious to see what I have been up to.
And since you have been here with me from the very beginning, I feel supported and held by you in all my endeavors. And announcing it to you first feels less intimidating. It's like a soft opening. ;)
So, I am creating a cannabis education and coaching company, called Balancing Cannabis, designed to educate people on the many ways plant medicine can alleviate suffering, and facilitate self-awareness and emotional wellness. This will be in the form of in-person workshops, seminars and online content.
I will also be working with people one-on-one to offer advice and support as they navigate a sea of readily available, yet often intimidating products.
Eventually, I'll be hosting emotional wellness with cannabis retreats for women! (Woot, woot!) And as the laws continue to change in our country about cannabis, the opportunities become infinitely abundant!
I am not selling any products or trying to convince anyone of anything. I am just creating a platform for people who are curious, but perhaps nervous about trying cannabis. People who want to learn more and get some real, unbiased information.
I want to destigmatize the use of cannabis. I want to destigmatize mental illness.
I want to create a safe space for people to actually learn about the plant, the science behind it, what is happening in your body when you consume it, and more importantly. the many ways it can help people.
All that being said, I know that cannabis is still a controversial topic. I have an incredibly diverse group of people on this email list and that follow me online. I am sensitive to your perceptions and opinions about cannabis.
I have also had to work through overcoming a lot of my own fear and shame around sharing the fact that I use cannabis because of cultural and religious conditioning around the use of the plant.
But I truly believe in the medicinal properties of cannabis. It has been the only thing that has consistently helped me through episodes of depression and I continue to learn so much about myself whenever I consume cannabis. I have witnessed the ways it helps people overcome chronic pain, mental distress, digestion issues and so many others.
So, for any of you that are interested in following along or supporting me on this new endeavor of mine, I kindly ask that you do a few things:
1. Click here to sign up for my Balancing Cannabis newsletter.
2. Follow @balancingcannabis on IG and invite 1 (or 5) of your cannabis-friendly friends to do the same. (there's nothing on there yet, so don't be alarmed haha)
3. Engage with me on that new IG once it goes live. Ask me questions in the comments, tag your friends, & share my stuff.
If you're not down to clown, then no worries. This email list will remain my random thoughts and musings about love, life and our beautiful Creator.
I must say however, if you carry any judgement against cannabis or people who consume it, I really encourage you to do some research.
Cannabis is not for everyone. And that's ok. I want to help create a world where people are supported to find their own path to wellness, regardless of what is on that path. To each her own, amiright?
If you're putting yourself out there and being brave, I am cheering for you.
If you're starting from scratch again, trying to create the life you want, I am cheering for you.
If you're lost in some dark hole somewhere, wondering what is going on, I am cheering for you.
And above all, I am cheering loud as heck for my damn self.
Love you guys!
Email me back! Let me hear from ya. Down to clown?? or Nahhhh?? Love ya no matter what!
Job hunting is a lot like dating.
Which probably explains why I am not very good at it.
I've never been a date-more-than-one-person-at-a-time type of gal.
I definitely don't judge, nor do I actually care, about anyone else's dating methods, but for me, I have only ever been emotionally available to one person at a time. And the same goes for jobs.
For me, I have to really imagine and feel what it would be like to be a part of a company or a brand, so applying and interviewing at multiple jobs at the same time feels inauthentic to me. I guess the same explanation applies to dating as well.
I didn't get the awesome job I had been interviewing for. They went with someone with experience in the industry over me, but I got great feedback. So, I suppose that's a good thing, but it's funny how similar professional rejection feels to personal rejection.
"You are really great, and it was a really tough decision, but you just weren't _______ enough."
I intuitively knew on Tuesday that I didn't get it, but I didn't officially find out until Friday. So needless to say, last week was a rough week.
I am in this strange position where my authenticity has become a cornerstone to my entire existence. And what I mean by that is, that I am finding myself actually incapable of being, feeling and expressing myself that is out of alignment to my absolute truth.
There are even times when I think to myself, "This situation does not necessarily call for such honest vulnerability, so feel free to fluff it up a bit, homie."
But I literally can't do it.
A lot of people love that about me. I think it's one of the things that draws people to me and makes people very curious about me.
It's also the thing that tends to push some people away.
I am a feeler. I am sensitive and I am expressive. I navigate my world and my relationships based on how I feel and although it is not always the most sensical and socially appropriate thing to do, I can't - or won't - apologize for it.
People who are uncomfortable feeling strong feelings, will feel uncomfortable around me.
And for the very first time in my entire life, I have learned that it's not me, it's them.
People don't reject me because of my intense feelings, but they reject the feelings within themselves that they don't like, that for whatever reason, come up around me.
I used to do everything I could to prevent people from rejecting me or from changing their minds about me.
I used to do a lot of things that declared everyone else'e emotional state was more important than mine. "I am not ok unless you are ok", and that kind of bullshit.
But the truth is, I am OK even when I am not OK. I love the shit out of my broken heart and my sad mind. I am OK sitting and facing my fear. I am OK looking into my childhood and identifying situations that created false beliefs that are manifesting in my adult life. I don't run away from myself when shit gets hard.
(How does that translate onto a resume? I'll keep ya posted. )
It's easier for other people to say that I am not _______ enough, than it is for them to say, "I have grief in my heart that I can't muster the courage to face. Therefore, it's not me, it's you."
I just want you to know that there is something about you that is magical and healing and wonderful. Something designed and created by God for you specifically. The easiest way to identify what that is is to find the thing about you that some people absolutely love and some people absolutely don't.
You are medicine for the people that need you. You are your own medicine. Don't shy away from or apologize for the one thing about you that has the potential to heal souls - yours included - just because some people can't see your goodness.
I posted something on my story today that says, "If you aren't going to swim deep with me, then get out of my waters."
Either love it or leave it. I am OK either way.
Cheering for you,
Spiritual Shaming is a real thing, y'all.
I have been chewing on this topic for a while and for whatever reason, it's on my heart today to share so here we go.
I have been a highly emotional human my entire life. I've chatted publicly about depression and anxiety and I share openly my struggles and my victories.
Being emotional is one of the magical parts of this human experience. No other creature on earth has the emotional intelligence and depth as the human species. That, to me, indicates that emotions are something created by God for us specifically, and they should not be overlooked, brushed off, or viewed as character flaws. They should be celebrated, embraced and investigated. All of them.
I have had many personal experiences of people shaming the presence of my emotions and thus backhandedly insulting my spiritual evolution and my relationship with God.
At the time, I didn't have the language, understanding or the confidence to respond in an intelligent way, so usually when I experienced spiritual shaming, I just accepted it as truth.
I can remember well-meaning friends in my christian community that used to say things in regards to my depression like, "You just need to lean into the Lord more", or "Did you have your quiet time today?" And well-meaning yogi's that would say things like, "Well, what does your practice look like these days?" or "WOW. I can really tell you didn't meditate today."
And yes, leaning into the Lord and quiet time is SO important. And physical practice and meditation is instrumental in overcoming obstacles and creating clarity within yourself, but you can't practice the human away. Or pray the emotions away. They are there for a reason, they are trying to teach you.
Then there is a sea of these #goodvibesonly posts on social media, as if #badvibes or #sadvibes or #heartbrokenvibes are shameful. I find myself feeling very discouraged by some of these "inspiration accounts". (#unfollow, amiright?!)
Here's what I know to be absolute truth:
The character of God* is that of unconditional, radical acceptance and love.
*The energy of the Creator..
*The frequency of the Universe...
*The vibration of Source...
The unconditional and radical acceptance absolutely applies to the humanness of all of us.
That wild, relentless love the creator has for you is UNCONDITIONAL.
Can you reread that for a second and just let that goodness sink all the way down to your belly.
Let that sink all the way down to the parts of you that feel unworthy... All the way down to the parts of you that feel like you're late on the whole adulting game... All the way down to the parts of you that still has no idea what you're doing.
Let that truth be the song that your soul sings to the world.
I am wildly loved by the Creator of the whole entire Universe! And so are you.
Shame does not exist in a relationship with God. People do the shame thing.
So, now that you know spiritual shaming is a real thing, don't spiritually shame people. Even with the best of intentions, expecting people to "fix" their humanness, their moods, or their emotions using spiritual practices is harmful and destructive. It communicates that that person is not lovable or acceptable the way they are. And it compromises the practice itself. Causing people to turn their backs on methods and teachings when they "don't work".
If you find yourself with the gift of holding space for someone as they are processing something emotionally, the very best thing you can do is align yourself to that unconditional and radical acceptance, and show them that.
But more importantly, don't allow anyone or anything or any stupid post to make you feel shame about how you feel. You can't meditate away your feelings. You can't pray away your emotions.
You can only trust that you're loved and held in whatever you're feeling, and that there is wisdom for you inside the emotion, that will only reveal itself by radical, unconditional acceptance of yourself.
Yes, of course, lean into the Lord, meditate, read scripture, do yoga, do anything that brings you closer to God, but do it because He is so hungry for a relationship with you. And because it nourishes your soul. And for no other reason than that.
I freaking love this email list and every soul that reads my words.
(I know who you are, because I am a creeper and I look. haha)
Cheering for you and loving you to the moon!